10 Old Fashioned Dating Habits Women Should Make Cool Again

In response to an awesome blog post by Kate Bailey, 10 Old Fashioned Dating Habits We Should Make Cool Again, and per one of the comments me posting it on Facebook solicited, here is a reflection of some things We Women could do to bring back some ladylike romance to our dating life.

This is written from an assumed male perspective, and based on feedback I’ve heard* from, you know, people… I don’t think I’m a man.  I don’t, necessarily, think LIKE a man however, those brave souls who have been my friends and partners over the years have also lovingly told me I act a little too much “Like a DUDE,” to be long-term dateable.

Well, thank you, BROS… You’ve given me a lot to consider.  Written from a male perspective, below are some points of interest I’ve encountered in trying to find love with my masculinely overdriven personality and some areas that I know I could improve on in the feminine subtlety department.  Or, you know, maybe one day I’ll just meet a man who loves my lacey, high-heeled, lingerie-wearing “dudeness.”

I invite men to add their “Old-Fashioned Things” we could do in the comment section below, and let me know if I’m totally “off” or scarily “on” point.  Ladies, how about we take a look at our behaviors that impact our “lazy” guys being less than gentlemen and recognize we could do our part to be a bit more romantic and understanding.


1) Ladies, please don’t call me “dude” or “buddy”

It does not matter if I am your best friend in the entire world or a new lust interest, men like to feel like we are sexy and potentially desirous. These terms make us feel like your dweeby little brother – thanks, but I’ll find friends who at least call me sweetie.

2) Powerful women are sexy, overpowering women are not

Yes, thanks to the women rights movements and the tumult of the last 100 years, we (men) are ever so slowly realizing that you ladies look great “wearing pants,” however, we still have fragile egos that are adapting. Let us be men sometimes. Let us open doors, open jars, and get really frustrated trying to fix something for you that would be easier to fix if we (as you suggested) just call someone. We know you can do anything we can do – better, probably – but give us a shot, it makes us feel good.

3) Don’t talk about exes too much beyond our original asking

I’m glad you and your ex are best friends and that he knows exactly what temperature tea to bring you when you’re sick, really, I am.  However, I LIKE TO FEEL SPECIAL and that one day, maybe, I’ll be the only man in the world who know how many sugar cubes you want in your coffee, and the wrinkle your nose gets when you don’t like the way something smells.  Imagining, and giving me too many details so I don’t have to imagine, about some other guy making you smile, scream, or sigh does not do anything to help me feel like I have unique place in your life.

4) Don’t be the most drunk woman around my friends or colleagues

You’re a pretty wonderful woman.  I think you’re smart, attractive, funny, and I’d like my friends to be jealous of me, er… I mean, I want to introduce you to my  friend group so they see just how great you are.  This does not mean you need to prove to all of my guy friends that you are “One of the guys” and you can match us shot for shot.  You do not need to be the best at beer pong.  You do not need to be the one constantly getting up for another bottle of wine to serve everyone only to realize you’re the only one still drinking.  Apologizing to my boss/friends/roommates for your behavior is not my idea of a “fun” Sunday and certainly not a way to earn longevity points.  P.s. I’m not saying I can behave badly and you can’t… I’ll do the same courtesy for you.

5) Do “dress up” for me too! Dresses and heels are great

Okay, I read that maybe I’ve come off a little sloppy lately.  Showing up in sweatpants when you invite me over for a home cooked romantic dinner… not my best moment.  But hey!?  As a culture we’ve set the bar pretty low to begin with.  With all this pant-wearing, tomboys are cool stuff, jeans became the new “dressed up.” When you showed up at my unopened car door after I texted “here” (sorry about that too) with a pair of jeans, some toms slip ons and a sailor shirt… well, my button up felt overdressed.  Let’s agree to both step it up a notch – at least in the beginning and for special occasions.

6) Don’t be high maintenance; you can have standards without being imposing and selfish 

Demanding something better than what is going on too early, in food service or in new relationships, is confusing for us.  So, we’ve lost the art of being a gentleman.  Admittedly, our game is much lower than it has been in the past 30 years, so, give us a bit of time and please communicate your NEEDS (not whimsical wants) clearly, without shouting at us or reminding us of how great you are all the time and how you deserve better.  It just makes us feel like we’re not good enough and that you are overconfident.  Let’s both give it some time to grow.

7) Honesty is great, brutal honesty is just that… Brutal

If its not already abundantly clear our tender male egos are in a bit of a crisis of confidence lately.  Many of us didn’t have positive or strong relationship models at home (I mean the divorce rate in the 80’s and 90’s was the highest ever), if we had single moms, they tried to play both mom and dad, and for the few of us who did have parents who were healthy and stayed together, this whole “Extended Adolescence” thing has hit our demographic pretty hard… SO, this is to say, be gentle.  If you don’t think I’m the hottest guy you’ve ever dated, no need to tell me that directly.  If I ask you a sensitive question, please do me the favor of responding sensitively.  It may not look like it on the outside, but we are very sensitive, and because we’ve only recently been invited into the “share your feelings” crew, we’re still a little unsteady when we feel insecure and have a tendency to respond poorly (read: displays of overconfidence, pretending not to care, getting quiet, not calling back, mean and defensive, or just taking a few steps back in our trusting you – but we won’t tell you any of this… now YOU have to be the mindreader).

8) Being direct about how you feel is great, being too direct takes the mystery out of it

The chase is a little fun – or, well, it used to be.  As you ladies have gained assertiveness and go to empowering women groups about how to “communicate your needs,” most of us are still deeply invested in our Fantasy Football leagues and taking vacation time to see our favorite sports team out of town.  Our bromances are stronger than ever, and we’re tender mushballs around each other – sometimes – but we’re still guys.  We don’t need to “process” everything.  We keep things quiet and are often mistaken as UN-communicative.  Look closer, ladies.  When you are at my house, I make sure to keep the toilet seat down; and if you were paying attention, you’d have realized that when you came over unexpectedly that it was in its proper position- UP.  This is a sign that I care.  I know, we are a mysterious breed, and maybe you can take some cues… Telling us, very directly and pragmatically, that you “really like me and that you have concerns about our long-term compatibility but are willing to identify those and work on fixing them now” in the first two weeks of spending time together is a bit overwhelming.  Maybe take some time.  Notice the toilet seat position. Realize that we communicate in gestures and so we pick up on the same.  If you bring me soup when I’m sick or tell me how great I look in a tie, I’ll get it.  You don’t need to BUY me a tie and tell me to wear it.  If there are long-term compatibility issues, well, we’ll either stop dating, or we will have organically reached that point in our communication to address it – directly – together.

9)  Give one, get one compliment exchange

We like to hear you think we are sexy and look great.  Don’t be shy, tell us.  We can’t be the only ones lathering on the compliments when we pick you up.  Yes, you look stunning, I told you that.  My jaw almost literally unhinged.  And it would be really great if you let me know that all of my fussing over which hat to wear or how to tie the perfect knot paid off and that I look pretty good myself.  The flip side of this is over-complimenting us… We’re not used to that either.  We don’t know how to take too much flattery.  This might sound strange, but it kind of turns us off when you tell us all the time we look good.  Hey! We’ve got minds and feelings too.

10)  Easy ladies, easy

Yay for the sexual liberation movement!  Seriously.  Sweet.  Women (in most developed countries) have the right to choose when, where, and who they have sex with.  Gone are the months and years of waiting until the wedding night.  Women have claimed their right to be just as assertive as men.  And, at the same time, you don’t need to show us how sexually empowered you are by being a prowess.  You ladies don’t love men who brag about casually sleeping around… well, the same holds true for us.  It’s not attractive for men to say, “let’s go to your room” all the time, equally unattractive coming from you.   I mean, don’t get me wrong, its definitely hot sometimes.  But you constantly being the one driving the sexual energy… well, its another turn off. Give us a chance to chase you, to want you, and be really excited to discover you.

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Summer Workation

After 2 years of Nonprofit development work in the Bay Area, I was offered an unprecedented opportunity to take a summer workation and apply my skills as an event manager, coordinator, artist wrangler, and production maven to projects that I believe in AND that are extremely fun and rewarding.

I had the unique privilege to once again work with the creative minds behind Temple of Whollyness (also, Man Base Pistil (2012) and Otic Oasis (2011)) for Burning Man Cargo Cult. As the volunteer coordinator for this massive undertaking, I worked from April to August wrangling talent from the far corners of the US and abroad to support the production and installation of this beautiful Playa Masterpiece. Working with the principle artists, Gregg Fleishman, Melissa Barron, and Lightning Clearwater, was a distinct honor and pleasure. The comradery, talent, and dedication of our total pre-through-post volunteer team was awe-inspiring. From its inception to it’s Burn Night, The Temple of Whollyness, goes down as one of the single most transformative projects I have ever worked on. Thank you to everyone of our 200+ volunteers and 1000+ donors for making this dream come true.


Earlier, in the spring, the all-star production team at What The Festival?! invited me to join as the VIP Experience and Boutique Camping Manager. I worked closely with brand representatives from local and national product companies to offer an enhanced experience to our VIP attendees. Additionally, I supported the coordination of all Boutique camping accommodations. During the event, my staff and I ensured that everyone of our 650 VIP guests had the time of their lives. It was a powerfully fun, exhausting, challenging, and enthralling 10 days of production.

WTF 2013

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Playa Bound Art… and Vendors!

Call for Art

The Crucible’s Summer Open House: Playa Bound

Exhibit your industrial art!

Saturday, July 14th The Crucible is opening its doors to celebrate the approaching annual desert community art extravaganza Burning Man.  It will be a maze of vendors with handmade crafts, desert costumes, camping supplies, playa bikes, shade ideas, and leave-no-trace education. The Open House will feature live industrial art demonstrations, fire art performance, class discounts, food and beverage, a raffle for free tuition, and more.

The Crucible will host an industrial art exhibit in a gallery setting in the upstairs performance room overlooking the central event space.  Any art that utilizes the techniques taught at The Crucible is eligible (glassworking, welding, blacksmithing, foundry, woodworking, etc).  It doesn’t have to Burning Man related.  A paper submission form is available in the office and online on The Crucible’s event page for Playa Bound.  The important times and dates are listed below.  Contact Daniel Stauber, Curator, at daniel@thecrucible.org if you require an alternative drop off or pick up time.

We look forward to seeing your artwork on display at The Crucible’s Summer Open House:  Playa Bound.

Monday July 9th                Submission Deadline 5pm
Tuesday July 10th              Acceptance notification
Thursday July 12th            Art Drop off  12-5pm
Friday May 11th                 Art Drop off 4-8pm
Saturday July 14th             Open House 11am-6pm
Saturday July 14th             Art Pick up  6-7pm
Sunday July 15th                Art Pick up  10am-12pm

Playa Bound Vendor Information
DEADLINE: Thursday June 14th, 2012

Sell your handmade crafts, jewelry, furniture, ceramics, glass beads, vases, baubles, recycled steel sculptures, neon wall art, etc. to eager shoppers in our massive indoor warehouse in West Oakland.

We are hosting this event to raise awareness of our classes in the fine and industrial arts. We strongly encourage selling work that fits with The Crucible’s classes. Special consideration will be given to crafts and supplies geared towards the Burning Man event held in the Black Rock City desert in August/September.  Special consideration also given to metalwork, jewelry, glasswork, neon and other media that are related to The Crucible’s programs.

Event includes kids activities, student and faculty art sale, a bronze pour, and industrial art demonstrations, such as glass flameworking and welding, fire performances and more. Food and refreshments will be available at a reasonable price. If you would like to check out the space before applying please feel free to attend one of our studio tours held Tuesdays & Thursdays at 6pm (except during holidays and events).

Proceeds benefit participating artists and The Crucible’s arts education programs. Please read through this page of event rules and information. By supporting The Crucible, you are helping to keep accessible art education and community programs alive in the Bay Area.

The Crucible staff and community thank you for your support!

If you are interested in sharing a table or booth with another artist, please contact Andrea Lundquist, Events Manager, via email: andrea@thecrucible.org or phone: 510.444.0919 x 135

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All of the Amazing Projects this summer!!

I am so excited to share all of the rock-star art, play, collaboration, and opportunity for community engagement that is running my summer!   Starting from Micro and going to Macro- Get your calendars out and have a pen ready, because there is bound to be something you are interested in!  Please email me with any questions, comments, or desires to get involved!

AMALGAMATION: Community sourced installation project with artist salons andengagements occurring weekly through the months of June and July at The Red Poppy Art House in the Mission, SF.

“This project seeks to integrate the residency of artist Ralph Vázquez-Concepción at the Red Poppy Art House, the Family Arts Program of the Poppy, local residents and artists as well as invited artists from abroad to participate in a dialogue about what the meaning of the terms ‘networks’, ‘systems’, and ‘community’ mean to them. The result will be an installation that will express, if in a conceptual manner, the continuum of significations, as well as the way these terms integrate in culture; Everyone has an idea of what the central motifs for this installation are, and it is that intuitive understanding which will take center stage and become the content of the final collaborative work.”

All are welcome and encouraged to participate- even sending in your contribution(s), with a short description is welcome!!  Short videos, icons, articles…  this is a wonderful opportunity to actively engage in your networks.

Movement Play Microfestival: June 22-25, Willits, CA (only 350 amazing people!) dancing, eating delicious food, and playing in all ways.  Highlights: Random Rab, Saqi Ensemble, Tropo, Table Nectar Catering, fresh water hot tubs, dance, yoga, Tea Time!

“The Movement Play Microfestival is an eclectic event bringing together a rainbow of characters who love to move and play.  If you (or your boyfriend/ girlfriend/ partner/ friend/significant other) don’t know how to dance or use hoops or poi or any of that stuff (yet), you/he/she/they can still join us and have a GREAT time!  There are no expectations on you to take workshops or strut your stuff.  The classes are offered for those who would like to participate in learning various forms of joyous play.  While they certainly are a feature of this event, campers need not feel obliged to take classes. There are plenty of other things to do or not do at the Microfestival. This event is about doing what feels good to you.  If you’d like to chill and relax, or take a swim or a hike, please do what feels right for you in the moment.”- Movement Play website.

What the Festival!?!?: July 27-29, White River Canyon, OR.  Yes, another festival… andthis one is totally different.  Why? One, the people who are behind this are the cream of the crop and have decided to put all their eggs into a porcelain basket and smash it all over the place.  This is going to be rad.  Music, Hookah Lounge, BIG ART, Camping, VIP SERVICES!! What the FESTIVAL! I’m just saying…

“For OMG Experience pass holders, a quick hike up the hill directly behind main stage will bring you into a magical world of amazing vistas, relaxing chill zones, a full refreshment bar all surrounded with music, as well as surprise performances from some of our favorite DJs and musicians. Designed as an exclusive experience for the inner hedonist, you can bask in our garden of earthly delights. We are at your service! More details on the OMG Experience page.”- WTF website.

Otic Oasis 2.0/ Burning Man 2012: Many volunteer dates, Onsite at BRC Aug. 18- Sept. 4.

Otic Oasis 2.0 will rise again this year and stand tall against the horizon at Burning Man 2012.  In keeping with the theme of Fertility 2.0 — there will be two extra modules on the structure, with seven additional stand alone satellites rising further out on the playa, to
provide more private space for contemplation.

Additionally, artist Gregg Fleishman has been selected to build part of the Man Base as well!  The Man will stand on a fifty foot tall pavilion, and inside the pavilion will be the Man Base Pistil, modeled after the pistil of a flower — a double-helix with one helix composed of five intertwined modules, and the other helix of broad stadium steps and seats, inviting participants to climb.

Next volunteer work weekend: July 16 and 17, on Alameda Island.  Event Productions Inc.  Email me andboyle@gmail.com if you want more information on how you can get involved.

Otic Oasis Picture courtesy of Roy Two Thousand.

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Fireside Lounge at The Crucible

Last night at The Crucible‘s Fireside Lounge, “Industrial Strength,” there was no lack of entertainment! Between an all-star panel of women industrial artists, Rebecca Anders of FLUX Foundation and Joyce Hsu just to name a couple, Gamelan performance alongside a molten bronze pour and blacksmithing, and an art show, the three-hour event ended with the audience wanting more.  The Fireside Lounge Series at The Crucible provides a new way of attracting interest and audiences for the industrial arts; three times a year, the studio opens after-hours and, with beer or wine in hand, people can tour the facility and get first-hand experience at fine and industrial arts in action.  Just last night, a Bay Area Gamelan group came to The Crucible to accompany the process of making symbols similar to those they were playing.  The mesmerizing blend of ancient Balinese percussion instruments playing in rhythm with the swinging hammers of blacksmiths as they pounded the symbol flat, was a moment that could only happen at The Crucible.

If you missed out last night, mark your calendars for May 11, 2012 when they will be featuring “Made in Oakland,” artists panel and more fun The Crucible style.

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“Coffee with Cardamom” Opening Night: July 16th 6-9pm @ Place PDX

Place PDX: Settlement Galleries @ Pioneer Square Mall
700 SW 5th Ave, 3rd Floor of Atrium Bldg.
Opening Reception: July 16, 6:00- 9:00 pm

July 16- August 14, 2011
Gallery Hours: Thurs-Sun, Noon- 6:00 pm
Special Events: Doors at 6:30pm, Begin at 7:00 pm

“Coffee with Cardamom”: Curator Andrea Boyle presents a collaborative project titled, “Mirrors,” with a spotlight solo exhibition of Sarah Farahat’s, “Can You See Me Now? (Part 1): Reflections on Palestine”. 

Tune into KBOO’s Art Focus hour on July 12, 2011 to listen to Ray and Sarah speak in-depth about the project.

“Mirrors,” is a collaborative art-as-process piece exploring relationships of identity, responsibility and community between Middle Eastern-born and American-born artists within the current global context of the political uprisings in the Middle East. Using art as the common language, these artists will explore their relationships with one another by participating in weekly art therapy sessions, current topic conversations, and creating a collaborative body of multi-media artwork.

As a process piece, “Mirrors,” examines the importance of artists, inspirations, and ideologies coming together in a space of reflection; in that, only a portion of the show features completed collaboration pieces, the remainder of the show focuses on pieces in process, as the artistic dialogue and weekly meetings continue in the gallery space. The show is designed to invite the audience to participate as both observer and subject, reflecting on their own insights on identity, responsibility, and community in the larger global context.

“Can You See Me Now? (Part One): Reflections on Palestine” by Sarah Farahat is a RACC sponsored solo exhibition culminating two years of travel, art making, and organizing efforts. The show contains photographs taken in the West Bank and Jerusalem, an ongoing collaboration between the artist and her deceased grandfather, sculptural reflections on Gaza and organized weekly events featuring internationally known academics, artists, and activists. All events are free and open to the public.

July 17th: Curator’s Talk: Double Vision
July 20th: Journalism and New Media in the Middle East: Lecture and Discussion with Stanford Fellow Jenka Soderburg and Palestinian Journalist Saed Bannoura
July 30th,:First Hand: A Night of Storytelling from the West Bank and Gaza.
August 3rd: From South Africa to Palestine: The shaping of a movement through Boycott, Divestment, and Sanctions
August 11th: Artist’s Talk: Double Vision

For a full calendar of events for “Can you see me now?”, please visit: http://sarahfarahat.wordpr​ess.com/events

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Artist Call: Mirrors

Mirrors” is looking for more artists interested in joining the conversation.

  • Committed videographer and sound recorder. Time commitment, 4 hrs/week June 2- July 7, must have own equipment. Videographer is responsible for filming and recording the art therapy sessions, current topic conversations, and artist studio time. Documentary style. Great resume builder and chance of funding down the road.
  • 2-3 Middle Eastern-born artists working in SF/Bay Area or Pacific NW- all media encouraged. Minimum time commitment, 6 hrs/week for 6 weeks. Welcome to continue working with the project as it travels to galleries around the world.
  • 1-2 American-born artists working in SF/Bay Area or Pacific NW- all media encouraged. Minimum time commitment, 6 hrs/week for 6 weeks. Welcome to continue working with the project as it travels to galleries around the world.

Please submit letter of interest and resume/link to website to: andboyle@gmail.com

Please post/pass on to interested people.

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